How to Date a Bartender

Last week I was asked kindly to write for the great people over at Boobs, Bacon, Bourbon about how to date a bartender. Many of you may have read it, but if not then I suggest you do so before continuing here.

Finished? Good.

You may be able to tell that not everything in part one of this manifesto is entirely real… AKA I open a few doors that are filled with stereotypes there. I have therefore decided to touch more on reality with part two.

Step 5: Be flexible.
No, I’m not talking about in the bedroom (although that’s a definite plus, it’s not exclusive advice for those trying to date bartenders). What I mean by it is much more basic and obvious. We industry folk work the opposite hours as most corporate drones… er… people with day jobs. I work 5-7 days each week depending on the season, but I am rarely at work before 4pm. I’m also almost never done with work before 1am. So if you’re going to date a bartender, you need to stay flexible. You need to be ready to accommodate last-minute plans. Sometimes we can plan in advance, but sometimes we’ll have one random night off over the course of 2 weeks. Often we’ll come back at 3am and crawl into bed with you. It’s not easy to be flexible like this, but your bartender-boyfriend will make it up to you. I promise.

Step 6: Don’t visit him.
What? I already used this one? Wait… did I also get crass and inappropriate? Right… well, I mean it differently here. Yes, visit him. He’s going to like seeing you. Don’t, however, expect him to hang out with you. If it’s slow he’ll be able to chat with you a little, but he’s still at work. Imagine if somebody came and visited you at your office. What would you do if they just sat down next to you in your office and requested you hang out with them socially for 3 hours. The bar is my office. It’s a different industry, yes, but I do have work to do that goes beyond hanging out with you.

Step 7: Don’t be jealous.
Much easier said than done. In part one I mentioned that bartenders flirt with the girls at their bar a lot. This is true. It’s not exactly why you think, though. Allow me to paint a picture. Nobody tips me because I pour a mean Jack and Coke. Sure, somebody may tip me because I created a fantastic new cocktail for them, but in general they tip for the experience I offer. Just like countless female bartenders before me who get a large percentage of tips from men, I get a large portion of my tips from women. I flirt. I smile and create the feeling of availability without necessarily being available. What this means for someone dating me is simple: being jealous doesn’t fit. Flirting is part of a bartender’s job. It doesn’t mean he’s being or is going to be unfaithful, it means he’s using the skills he has to make money. If you’re jealous of his flirtation, there are going to be arguments and that’s just no good. Imagine if he asked you to stop being so damn good at data analysis in your government job. Is it different? Yeah, but again: flirting is how he’s making his money, not how he’s trying to cheat on you.

Step 8: Just do it.
If you want to date the bartender who asked you to drinks or dinner… just do it. I can’t tell you that all bartenders are great dudes or that they’re all assholes just like I can’t tell you all doctors are great guys and all lawyers are the scum of the Earth. You might get fucked over by a bartender sometime, but some of us are also decent people who aren’t defined by our profession. If he asks you to drinks and you’re a little interested, go. Even if things don’t work out – he probably knows how to get a good deal wherever you end up and he’ll be entertaining… that is, after all, what he’s good at.

Happy drinking tonight 😉

Posted in Bartender Chronicles, D.C., Relationships | 6 Comments

Alan is a Bartender

Sometimes bartenders get sick, too!

Adam managed to celebrate freedom so much yesterday that he is entirely incapacitated today. What does this mean? It means he’s a little bitch who can’t finish his two-part manifesto on How To Date a Bartender.

Instead, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow when he’s promised me he’ll put it up.

Yes, I’ve already spent hours spitting on him today.


Posted in Alan the Llama, Bartender Chronicles | Leave a comment

Writer’s Block

I have a story in my mind.

Something exciting: an adventure with action and romance that leaves you calm in the end, wishing it had been real and not merely a fantasy.

Unfortunately the story won’t come out yet.

I’ve tried typing it and I’ve tried writing with ink, but it’s not complete. The idea is not complete. The characters refuse to take shape in their incomplete forms and so they refuse to take part in their adventure.

It’s frustrating. It’s like the beginning of a race when you’re set and ready to run, but the gun just isn’t being fired. You can see the finish line and the entire track ahead of you, but you can’t see how the race plays out. You need to start running, but nobody is saying “go.”

Do you start before the gun and disqualify yourself from competition in order to run? Or do you stay there… ready, but unable to move because of rules?

Posted in Adventure, Passion | 2 Comments

Bartender Chronicles v.19

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.

Guest Bartending…

Well, sort of. More like guest-posting.

My good friends at BBB asked me to write a piece for them, so obviously I obliged.

You can find part one of the manifesto:
over Here.

Posted in Bartender Chronicles, D.C. | Leave a comment

Rarely Good Enough

I told you last week that I am my biggest obstacle when it comes to physicality and performance. I also said that I’ve recently realized that getting in my own way runs deeper than what’s on the outside.

As it turns out, I have unreasonably high expectations for myself in all aspects of my life.

The work I do for jobs is never enough.
The projects I start on the side are never totally complete.
I am never as productive as I think I should be.
I am in more debt than I think I should be.
The list can go on and on.

When you don’t meet your own standards, you can’t meet anyone else’s.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about dating.* Afterwards she asked me why I’m single (presumably implying that I would be someone worth dating?)

I told her that it was because I choose to be.
Well, it turns out that she’s a bit more perceptive than the masses and didn’t accept my answer.

The truth is simple, actually. I’m single because I’m not good enough to be otherwise. Not by anybody else’s standards, but by my own. Call me cocky, but I’m sure there are a handful of girls out there (or at least one) who would find me worth dating. I’m not enough for me, though. When I think of dating somebody, I find it difficult to imagine a girl who meets all the criteria that I have, but then I realize that it’s nobody’s shortcoming but my own.

At first it sounds a bit depressing, but the fact of the matter is: it’s just another obstacle. A challenge to be overcome.

And if there’s one thing I love, it’s a good challenge.
Let’s do this.


*I don’t remember the entirety of the conversation because we were 3-6 sheets to the wind. woops.


Posted in Adventure, D.C., Fitness, Single | Leave a comment

The Bartender Chronicles v.18

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.


This coming week I’ll be writing a guest post for my friends over at BBB.
What does this mean?
It means that next Thursday all you’ll see here is a detour post.
It also means that you get the first of a short series I’d like to call:
How to Date a Bartender.

It’s the thing so many people like to talk about, whether it be realistically or hypothetically. And finally you’ll get all your answers and tips on how to do it (since it’s not always easy).

But wait, there’s more!

Coming in the next few weeks, The Bartender Chronicles will be going through some major changes. Don’t worry, we’ll still have the same-ol’ goodness of stories from behind the bar, but there will be much more content included!!

Stay tuned…

Posted in Bartender Chronicles, D.C. | Leave a comment

The Bartender Chronicles v.17

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.


The first day that I worked at one of my current establishments was June 25, 2011.
For those of you who aren’t aware: June 25 is coming up quickly again.
Unfortunately I don’t actually work on the 25. HOWEVER, I will be working on the 26.

With that in mind, I’d like to invite all of you to come join me for a party.
We will have the normal stand up comedy that takes place at my bar, but we’ll also stay open until last call! I’ll be making some specialty cocktails to celebrate!!

When: Tuesday 6/26 from 6pm – 2am
Where: Blue Banana – 3632 Georgia Ave. NW Washington, DC
How do I get there?
Green/Yellow line on the metro – Georgia Ave/Petworth stop. Walk south 1.5 blocks and you’re there.
Use promo: UberBartender for $10 off your first ride with Uber to get there!

Stay tuned tomorrow for an announcement…

Posted in Bartender Chronicles, D.C. | 2 Comments