Bartender Chronicles v.12

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.

On Creativity…

I’ve told you about people who want me to make my choice of drink before and I’ve made it out to sound like a terrible situation.

Well, that’s not entirely the case. As a matter of fact, I really enjoy the opportunity to be creative behind the bar! I love to come up with different combinations of liquors and flavors to try something new. I like to come up with variations on classics and make minor alterations to some easy favorites.

There’s a catch, though. I need a baseline. If I don’t know what you like, then I can’t make something good. There is no Universally Good alcohol. Some people love whiskey, and as much fun as it is to work with, it’s more difficult to be creative in a pinch when it comes to making a whiskey drink. Some people like vodka. Vodka is easy to work with because it doesn’t have much of its own flavor. But I need input on where to start or else you might end up with something that I love… and that you hate.

“Well, what’s your favorite thing to make?”
“I don’t really have a favorite”
“No, come on! What’s something you have fun pouring?”

It varies.

Often, it’s whatever comes to mind first. Sometimes it’s what I’m in the mood to drink. Sometimes it’s what I’m in the mood to sell. Sometimes it’s Jameson in a shot glass.

Last Call: Speaking of Whiskey drinks, I have an announcement: I’ll be introducing a bourbon-based drink at my bar next week. It will be refreshing and summery with all the goodness of whiskey! Stay tuned for the launch.

It’s Exactly Like The Real World… Only Better

I live in two very different worlds at the same time. I live in the real world with all of you where we have real interactions and conversations and everything has consequences. Then there’s the other world. The one in my mind. It’s actually less insane than it sounds, though.

You see, the world in my head is fantastic. It’s much more exciting than what really happens most of the time*. It’s not that there’s magic or people flying or dragons or anything like that. It’s actually very much like the real world that you exist in, it just happens differently. Conversations aren’t exactly how they happen: instead they’re a little bit funnier and more outlandish. Many of the people in my world are more outrageous. For example, the DJ at the Florida resort where I stayed recently isn’t an older dude with a beard who sings Willy Nelson tunes between playing a mix between family-friendly songs and top 40 hits.

No, instead he is a short, jacked, tattooed Latino with a Jersey Shore haircut who dances while spinning “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and belts out Brooks & Dunn as soon as happy hour starts.

Not all that different… but a little bit more fun.

That’s how I live in my world.

The problem is that it gets exhausting.
I live in my fantastic world as actively as I do in the real one. Most things that happen in my life (especially mundane things) happen twice, but then I only sleep in one world.

But exhaustion is just one part of it. There’s something worse. The more exciting that the world in my mind gets, the less time I want to spend in the real world. This presents two challenges. The first and most obvious is that I don’t actually have a choice in the matter. The second is that I need the real world to fuel my fantastic one. Without observations and inspiration, the imagination is nothing. It becomes stifled and stale.

Well, life is stale lately. When life gets stale I get more exhausted because more work goes into making everything fantastic. I also spend more time in my fantastic world, so there is less inspiration that I notice; I become significantly less observant.

I guess it’s time that I find a way to make life less stale. The last time I had to do that I quit my job and moved to D.C. with no prospects. Any ideas?

*sometimes things in the real world are perfect as they are and no fantastic imagination is needed, but it is rarely the case that I cannot improve on the real world in my mind.

P.S. Happy first birthday to Earth to Adam… 4 days ago.

Bartender Chronicles v.11

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.

On Flirting…

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard girls say something like this:

“I’m going to flirt with the bartender for free drinks.”

I laugh on the inside every time. It’s certainly not impossible, but in general it doesn’t work the way people think it does. It’s not impossible, but it’s going to work in one of two ways.

First: you’re paying in cash. You’d better tip well on the first drink, or at least tip consistently on the first few. Otherwise you’re not likely to get anything for free.

Second: you’re paying with a card. I don’t know how you’re going to tip so you have to make it appear that it’s in my best interest to give you something for free. And no, showing me some cleavage and winking doesn’t do it. News flash: I’ve seen boobs before.

Here’s the thing: it’s business and in business nothing is free. Notice how both scenarios I gave you revolve primarily around tips?

I’m not impervious to your flirtation, but I’m not as susceptible as you think. It’s my job to flirt; it’s how I make my money, so I know how it works from both side of the bar. I don’t just hand out drinks because you bat your eyelashes at me and call me cute. I already know I’m cute – the girl at the other end of the bar already told me five minutes ago.

Last Call: This is not to suggest that you don’t attempt to flirt for free drinks. As long as you try we’ll both have more fun because even if you don’t get a free drink… flirting is fun.

Favorites

Like most people who enjoy a good adult beverage, I have a favorite beer.

The funny thing about mine, though, is that I could probably not describe the taste to you. In fact, I’ve only ever had it once. It’s called Desperados.

If you’ve never had it, Desperados is a French beer that originated in Spain, but is produced by a brewery with a translated German name… and it’s flavored with Tequila. It’s the mutt of pale lagers basically. I remember it tasting pretty good, sure, but like I said: I’ve only had it once.

I was in Nice, France for a couple of days with my mom and sister at the tail end of her semester abroad. We’d spent the day walking around the city, enjoying the beautiful coast of the Mediterranean, and just generally enjoying the culture of Southern France.

For those of you who don’t know me or have never read… I don’t know…  anything I’ve ever written here… my sister is my best friend. So when I had to go five months without her around, it was less than ideal… but quickly remedied by two weeks of sib-time in France. Then one day she suggested I order this beer because she’d enjoyed it at some point earlier in the semester.

That’s largely why Desperados is my favorite beer.

We sat outside at a small restaurant/bar and enjoyed our beers. We watched as our skin transformed into an amazing tan. We laughed until we cried at things I can’t remember for the life of me. Simply put: we had an amazing day in an amazing city.

It’s funny how, to this day, I will quickly tell anybody that my favorite beer is Desperados simply because of the memories I associate with it. I know that it’s not the most delicious-tasting beer I’ve ever had… or even the most interesting flavor I’ve had… but I had it on a day that I can return to in my mind whenever I want.

Normally, I’d show you the one picture in existence of my sister and I enjoying this Euro-mutt beer, but I don’t know of any digital copies. So instead just imagine Sara and I holding Desperados beers. It’s adorable. Trust me.

Bartender Chronicles v.10

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.

On Knowing Your Bar…

Two guys walk into a bar… no seriously, that’s how this starts…
So these two guys… they walk in and they are hit with the following:

Big Buck Hunter in the corner, a rock and roll cover band on the stage, a food menu that’s written in chalk on the wall, a broken light over one of the high-tops, and a bartender wearing a shirt that says “Vaginas are for lovers.”

For real, this is your bartender.

After seeing this, the two guys decide to order one whiskey and coke and one Bell’s Two Hearted Ale. Well done, boys.

But consider the other couple who walked into the same bar. Instead of ordering a beer and a standard cocktail, they went with an appletini and something else that involves a coconut and three different citrus twists. Now, the appletini I can do… but it’s not coming in a martini glass. The coconut shenanigans, on the other hand, is not happening.

You see, the first two guys ordered based on the bar. They didn’t walk into a fancy cocktail lounge and request to shotgun PBR tall boys and they didn’t walk into a place with kegs for tables and order fancy drinks. This is important to remember: NOT ALL BARS ARE THE SAME! There’s a reason you don’t go to a sports bar in a tux and you don’t go to a bottle-service club wearing ripped jeans and flip flops.

Last Call: I won’t say that dive bars don’t have their own specialty cocktails or that you can’t find a Miller Lite at a lounge, but it’s important to be aware of where you’re headed when you think of your order.

The Bar Owner Chronicles?

Anyone who knows me knows that my dream job is to own a bar multiple bars. That and I want to write.

I know – it sounds like I have a lot of ambition when I say that I want to work in bars and write for the rest of my life. </sarcasm>

I once dated a girl who said that every guy between 21 and 40 wants to own a bar… until they find out how much work is involved.

She may be correct, I don’t know. I can’t speak for every 21-40 year old man, only for myself. The thing is: I know how much work is involved and that’s part of why I love the industry! I have friends who own bars and are opening new bars. I work with them on gutting the buildings and clearing the debris and building up the new bar. It’s not glamorous. It’s tearing up tile, sweeping, getting dusty and disgusting. It’s painting and finding garbage and dead insects from the previous building owners’ sloppy maintenance. It takes a shitload of time and hard work, but you know what you have when you’re done?

A bar.

A lot of people think that bar work is just glorious bartending. Great! You get paid to flirt your nights away, get hammered for free, and do relatively no work!

Wait a second… that’s not right at all… rewind…

Oh yeah… running a bar goes more like this: you do liquor and food orders, you wait for distributors to arrive, you run reports to keep numbers and inventory so you know what sells and when. You are in charge of staffing and covering shifts when people can’t or don’t come in. You’re in charge of pricing and marketing and the licenses. Get the point? Bartending (which isn’t even always that glamorous) is actually only a very small part of owning a bar. It’s a small part of everything that I want to be doing.

I love the industry. I find bars to be fascinating. Not to mention, I understand them. The work comes naturally to me and when I’m in a bar and behind a bar I feel at home.

I want to own a bar for the same reason you want to be a professor or a banker or a lawyer or anything else. I love it.

Bartender Chronicles v.9

These are the stories and the commentary from behind the bar.

The Patron:
Mr. and Mrs. Can’t-Wait

It’s Friday night. The bar is packed shoulder-to-shoulder. Between the loud music and loud people, I’m already leaning over the bar and using my sweet lip-reading skills. People are squeezing forward to reach prime bar position and trying to catch my attention.

Note: When I’m this busy, I’m generally running 3-10 steps ahead of where you think I am. If I take your order, all it means is that you’re in the queue: There are still other drinks to be made in front of yours.

“Hey bartender.”
I hear from my right. I look and, amid the crowd, one guy is gesturing for me to come closer.
I hold up a finger to indicate that I’ll be with him shortly

“Hey! Guy!”
I look. Same guy as before.

“I’ll be with you in a minute”

I finally finish making the simple drink I started 15 seconds ago, and…
“EXCUSE ME! I need a drink!”

“Yelling at me will not make me serve you faster. There are other people who were waiting before you. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“I need a Jack and Coke!”

That guy’s Jack and Coke took me about 10 minutes to pour.

Pro Tip: Yelling at me, whether it’s my name or something else, and waving your arms frantically doesn’t get you served faster. It puts you to the back of the line. Just wait patiently and make eye contact if you can.