Before I wrote last week’s letter to my valentine* I was talking to Nick about the day.
“somebody should be my girlfriend today.”
“Why?”
“I get so creative! I’d do something awesome and super romantic.”
Later that day, after reading the post, Nick mentioned to me how he finds it amusing that I will write something like that and be so adamantly single. Yes, I am adamantly single. I haven’t been in a relationship in nearly 3 years. I’ve dated, but have not called anybody my girlfriend for over 1000 days. I enjoy my single life. I can be out until 3am on any night I want and not have to answer to anybody. I can flirt while working behind the bar and not fear that she will read into it. I’ve even asked, with legitimate curiosity, why a friend of mine was so eager to find a girlfriend.
“pretty cute idea”
“Thanks”
It’s hilarious to me especially. Because you’re all ‘I don’t want no girlllllfriend’”
The thing about it is… I’m not as against a girlfriend as it would seem to many.
I absolutely love to cuddle. I like to be able to stay in on a night with a girl who makes me happy and rock pajama pants and a good romantic comedy. I like to stay in and cook for a girl. I like being able to call her Saturday mid-morning and suggest that we just hang out outside and walk around all day. I LOVE showing my affection.
One Valentine’s day I laid out 100 or so chocolate kisses on a girl’s bed. On each one was a strip of paper with something that I loved about her. Too much? That’s okay. I’ve had flowers delivered to a girl because she was having a really bad week. Sure, these things are sappy, but I love doing it.
The truth behind why I haven’t had a girlfriend in so long is simple: nobody has shown me that they want all that with me.
A friend of mine recently told me, “You are guarded to a fault, Adam.”
This may be true, but it’s not for no reason.
I’ve made some less-than-spectacular choices in who to open up to in the past.I’ve hurt others and I’ve been hurt. Although I like to think that I’ve gotten better at this in the last few years, which is partly why I haven’t let anybody in. How do I know when to take a chance, though?
I used to be so willing to make leaps of faith for the sake of romance and now I stand guarded and cautious; wary of hurting others and myself.
Maybe soon I’ll figure all that out.
*apparently there have been discussions about whether this letter was open and hypothetical or if I had somebody specific in mind. This is possibly the biggest compliment because it means the post was successful. So thank you.
